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Quote on where I was born: ‘The one redeeming feature of burnley is that it isn’t Nelson… no point nominating that, because your reviewers wouldn’t last ten minutes.’

Quote on where I was brought-up: ‘Gateway to the Medway Towns, Chatham (with a silent ‘t’) has much to offer, if only as a beginner’s guide to its even uglier urban-toilet sister, Strood. This Safeway-centric gem is just a five minute train journey (in the dark as the lightbulbs will have been thrown out of the window) across the turd-brown waters of the River Medway.’

and where my family and I used to occasionally holiday: ‘Evenings are usually brought to an abrupt close by the loss of consciousness, precipitated by looking at someone’s bird and receiving a sovereign’n’hate fist in the head.’

Courtesy of ‘Crap Towns

Oh dear. Amazed I survived really.

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