Quote on where I was born: ‘The one redeeming feature of burnley is that it isn’t Nelson… no point nominating that, because your reviewers wouldn’t last ten minutes.’

Quote on where I was brought-up: ‘Gateway to the Medway Towns, Chatham (with a silent ‘t’) has much to offer, if only as a beginner’s guide to its even uglier urban-toilet sister, Strood. This Safeway-centric gem is just a five minute train journey (in the dark as the lightbulbs will have been thrown out of the window) across the turd-brown waters of the River Medway.’

and where my family and I used to occasionally holiday: ‘Evenings are usually brought to an abrupt close by the loss of consciousness, precipitated by looking at someone’s bird and receiving a sovereign’n’hate fist in the head.’

Courtesy of ‘Crap Towns

Oh dear. Amazed I survived really.

Monkey Jail

‘Doing hard time in monkey jail’

‘He was one bad monkey. And last week he was sentenced to life in prison for his crimes, inmate No. 13 at the country’s only known monkey jail, where very bad monkeys are sent to live out their remaining years.’

‘”Monkeys are very furious,” said Ujagar Singh, the Patiala district spokesman. ‘

‘Once put in jail, they are not given names. Instead, jailers refer to them by where they were caught: Sanam Monkey or Jalandhar Monkey. “They are so notorious, why should we give them a name?” Atalia said. “They don’t listen anyway,” added Surinder Singh, who is in charge of the Motibagh zoo. ‘

‘people remembered him with a mixture of fear and fondness. Sure, he threatened the children with bricks, but he also was cute, people said.’

Absolute bloody genius….sometimes this bloggin business is easy.

In the country

Soooo, after the breach at the palace, we had yet another one yesterday by a bunch of moon faced thugs in the house of commons. I am sorry but this is blogger gold. I get to rant, post thinly veiled insults against provincial thugs and delight in yet more genius headlines.

God bless the U.K of A (anarchy).

Daily Mail: ‘CIVIL WAR’
Daily Express: ‘TALLY OH!’
The Star: ‘FOR FOX SAKE’ (eh?)
The Independent: ‘The country comes to town’

Continue reading “In the country”


Yesterday the caped crusader got up on a ledge outside some big house in that there Lahndan. Robin as usual was poncing about neurotically not really helping.

All fairly amusing. Esp. the headlines:

Holey Security Batman – The Sun
Kapow! – Daily Mail
Pratman – The Star
Holy breach of security as Batman scales Palace – The Times
Batman zaps security at the Palace – The Daily Torygraph

Yet, ‘What if he had been a suicide bomber’ (The Express) and a comment by the Home Secretary, Mr. Blunkett stating ‘police would have shot the protester if he had been judged a terror risk’ raises some interesting points.

Firstly, what is considered a terrorist these days? If the guy was middle-eastern looking and not wearing a batman suit would he have been shot? Where is this line, and further how long would it take for a suspected terrorist to carry out such an act? I am betting a lot shorter than it takes to do a proper background check on a person? Thus what is the tipping point, is there a points system?

White neck scarf – 3pts
Patterned neck scarf – 5pts
Hook for a hand – 10pts
Middle-Eastern looking – 3pts
Reading a Koran – 3pts
Male – 3pts
Looks a bit fundamentalist – 5pts
Moustache/Beard – 5pts
If total score is over 20pts, shoot.

I admit the above is more than a little crude, but I feel it reflects what people now expect a terrorist to look like. I don’t wish to enter the argument about what constitutes terrorist activity as this is somewhat a proverbial minefield of a subject and any act of violence towards another being, in my opinion, can never be justified. Yet in the new homogenised war on terror, where people are locked up without trial and shot on suspicion, is our perception a little skewed?


So the bendy-buses (for convenience reasons I shall refer to them as ‘Bender’, n. sing., or ‘Benders’ n. plur.) continue to insist on pissing all over the grave of the recently decomissioned routemasters.

I now believe that Benders are scared of the morning. I have now tried to catch a Bender in the morning rush hour several times (well four to be exact) and not one Bender has opened its doors for me, I have been forced to get a 476 (not a bad bus, but I wanted more ammunition to throw at Benders). All I want is one measley Bender, its not much to ask for is it.

The hunt continues.


Riemann hypothesis solved

“Mathematicians could be on the verge of solving two separate million dollar problems” says the Grauniad, indeed the mungo bean munching lefty paper could be right. As i can exclusively reveal below the long awaited (150 years) answer to one of the most complex questions of our epoch. The answer is really quite simple……

Continue reading “Riemann hypothesis solved”

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